Yesterday I realized one thing: I don't fully appreciate everything I have. I'm not aware of it.
I've been keeping a daily journal for exactly one year today. A journal where I reflect on each day and ask myself questions like "What am I most grateful for?". This has surely helped me to be more aware of some things but it still feels like I'm not.
It's like there is fog wobbling around in my head, making it hard to distinguish what is real and what's not. When I try to recall happy memories they seem like a dream that never happened. Sometimes they even make me feel sad or regret if it's something I can't have anymore.
That's not how I want those memories to be. Happy memories are what make life worth living. What should make us feel good when we think of them. What we should be grateful for that they happened in our life, that we could create that memory, that it's our own.
But this also applies to life in general for me. I've been blessed with a lot of good things, opportunities, and people. I know that they exist, yet I seem to forget about them often. I forget to appreciate what I have. I don't think about it. I don't realize.
Up until this point I have achieved some things. I had really good times and experienced a lot. But then daily routines cast a shadow over all this, make me only focus on what I'm up to every day, not appreciating how far I've come.
Routines and habits can be a blessing, but they also can be a curse. They can lead us to do everything on autopilot and not even realize that we need to change something.
Luckily, I was able to a few weeks ago and also changed a lot in my life, but now I again find myself falling victim to routines.
It's nice to have some things automated, to know what to do in order to feel good and be productive every single day, to have everything planned and figured out. But that makes it easy to switch off the brain completely.
I don't know how yet, but I'm sure that I want to change this. I want to appreciate what I have more. Realize more. Live more.
Now that a new chapter of my life has started, I'm more ready than ever to fully appreciate life.
I don't want to forget. I don't want to shut out some emotions as a mechanism of self-protection.
I want to be happy while thinking of good memories. I want to accept when some things can never be the way I want them to.
I want to live in the moment, act for the future, and treasure the past.
It's no easy feat. But I know I'll find a way.