I don't need people - but I do

March 29, 2021

I'm a person who often thinks she's better off alone.

Who doesn't need social connections. Who doesn't need friends.

It's simpler when you don't have to fear judgment by others, have your decisions be influenced by others, depend on others.

It's simpler, but it's not better.

I don't have many friends. In fact, since leaving school and university, my circle has become very small.

Even those I still call my friends do I rarely meet or talk to.

I'm better off alone.

That's what I'm telling myself. But it's not true.

Human beings are all the same in some aspects, one of them being that they are social creatures. They need to connect with others, share, communicate, trust. Have fun.

Sometimes I forget about that. Sometimes I like to believe the way it's easy for me.

But last week was different.

I connected with so many people I love, had deep talks, had fun, felt touched. Reconnected with humans I rarely talk to. Spending time with some I don't see often.

It was one of the best weeks I've had lately.

No matter how hard I try to tell myself I don't need anyone, that life is simpler when I'm alone, I can't deny the fact that people make me happy. Social contacts make me happy.

There's incredible value in conversations with like-minded people, helping them and getting helped simply by talking it out.

I can keep trying to convince myself I'm better off on my own, but I've learned that if I do, I'm missing out. Big time.

It's just an excuse because I want to be independent. Not a burden to others.

Because I'm afraid of judgement. Because people influence my decisions. Because I'm insecure.

It's hard admitting this, but it's true. I'm learning and growing with every step, every action, every day, but I'm still struggling. Taking actions based on what I want. Deciding like I do because I want to. Not letting my life be determined by people.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how sure I am I'm over it, I am not. There's still some part in my every decision process that thinks about what others may think. And that's what I'm afraid of.

But I learned that I don't need to feel insecure. I don't need to be perfect.

It's okay to be influenced by others a little. It's okay to enjoy the company of people I love. It's okay to be insecure.

Friends and family are there to be a safe haven, a place we can come home to. Where we can be ourselves. Without judgment, without fear.

People are what brings happiness in the life of others in the end.

What brings happiness in mine.

ジャーニー (Jānī) is Japanese for journey.